The season is beginning to turn - the edge of cool in the air over the past few days pulls me to pick up some postponed responsibilities.  In particular, I have a calling from deep inside to return to To Have and To Hold: Loving Your Vulnerable Self to live Your Biggest Life.  I  have a 350 page manuscript that I wrote over the period of a year, a year ago.  That book emerged out of my two decades of helping people grow into their biggest selves - and it is the basis of my series of talks.  And it is one of the most important things in my life.

I put the book writing down last fall to embark on the public speaking project and I am so grateful for having done that, and thankful to all of the people who came and contributed their feedback and helped me refine and focus my thoughts.  I feel excited and vulnerable to return to the writing now.  Excited that I have a whole new feeling/sense of what the book needs to be.   Vulnerable because I don't yet really know what that is!...

And so early in the week (weather report in hand - prediction crappy) I carved out this weekend to think and write.  But here is Saturday and the sun is shining and the breeze is tickling my bare toes and I have to go play.   

And somewhere in my dutiful personality there is a rumble of guilt.  I slow down and have a look.  "But you made a commitment to do it...  you made a plan...  you have to take responsibility and do what you said you'd do..."

Underneath I feel the dissonance.  My body is asking me if we are safe.  I slow down even more and my neck is tense and my diphragm is tight and my heart is pounding just a little harder.  I stay there.  It does not feel good and I want to distract, to argue with it, to ignore it.  I still stay there.  I feel my butt unclench and I hadn't even known it was clenched...   I notice that and slow down even more.  Little by little I realize that my body is feeling better.  My breathing softens a bit and a smile forms on the corners of my mouth.  We' re ok.

I realize that I feel so happy to go play.  I am just about to get into a kayak right now.  And I know that I can trust myself to get to my work.  I have many, many examples in my history of getting the job done.  I do not need to be so rigid with myself.  I can be in the moment and treasure the miracle of a sunny Saturday at the end of August.

And I am ok.  Inside and out.  On the outside I am not in danger and my body knows because I came toward it in the dissonance.  And I am ok with me on the inside - I can feel, and I can trust what I feel to guide me to what is true for me.  

My truth is that life is short and right now play is important.  And I am confident in my commitment to the book because I came home and experienced it all inside.  Access to my truth is my birthright.  As it is yours.

I feel authentic, connected, and flexible.  Off I go to play! 

Photo Credit:  Play! by JHalme Photos