Over the past few months Lionel, my geriatric Siamese, has taken to marking territory.  Inside the house...  So now, upon entering the front door all and sundry are greeted with the pungent information that this is his turf. 

The sofabed downstairs is clearly his as well - and we only discovered that just as overnight guests were due...  Hours of enzymes and Pink Solution and Odor-BeGone and scrubbing and washing and rinsing and blowdrying it was clear that even the mattress had absorbed some of Lionel's signature.  What to do??  Ever duct taped a tarp over a mattress?? - don't mention it to the guests okay?   They either didn't smell it or were really polite and will never return.  Professional cleaning hasn't helped so off to the dumpster it went a few weeks ago.

I've called in the vet to check him out - he has confirmed that there is no physical cause...  It's behavioral.  Maybe he spotted another cat outside so we should keep the blinds closed (pitch dark in the height of summer), and he's doing it on the lower level so we should block off the stairwell (leaping and tripping over the barrier), and we need to catch him in the act if possible.  Oh.  Sure. 

We need to break him of this powerfully driven habit.  So day after day we find a patch of pee and bring him to it and hiss and yell and spray him with water.  He seems perturbed and slinks off.  And does it again the next day or the one after. 

Vulnerability.  Limits to control over outcomes that matter to me.  I am nervous to buy a new sofabed until Lionel has this thing figured out.  The carpets too will need replacing but ditto til the marking has ceased.

What does this feel like?  Sure, it's just a hassle of life.  But, each morning I awaken and wonder if it's going to be on my knees with the bucket and towels.  And when I think about it I feel tension in my body. I cannot make him stop. I feel sad because I really am doing my best.  And I think Lionel is too.  He misses a day or two now before doing it again.  But he's also feeling stressed.  And I feel mad at him.  Our relationship is suffering.  Even though we are doing our best this will take time and scrubbing and consistent firm messages for it to end. 

I hope it will end.  Can't even 100% guarantee that.

And  I notice that when I grant myself the kindness of my own attention to what I feel, to what is hard, I can be more patient with me and with Lionel.  Rather than being grouchy and frustrated I am able to see my true feelings of helplessness.  I can feel tender feelings toward me and my desire to help this little guy get sorted out.  I can "there there" myself about the awful expense of professional cleaning and a new sofabed and new carpet.  And I can feel how hard it must be for Lionel to have such strong hormonal and biological drives to defend space and at the same time know that it makes the humans very upset.  And I can remember that I love the little monster even though I have the urge to wring his furry neck.

Vulnerability.  It's everywhere isn't it?  We might as well notice.  We might as well listen for it in our bodies.  Feel the dissonance and take care of it.  So we don't erupt in ways we might regret.  So we can matter.  So others can matter. So we can grow.

 Photo Credit:  "The Guilty Party" by Sparker