Just as she parked the car on the way to her appointment with me a client received a phonecall letting her know the computers had crashed at her clothing store.  Absolutely nothing could get done.  "One more load of bricks on my back" she muttered to herself, knowing that the financial and time cost to her would be huge if she didn't sort this out.  

Her body shot through with sensations of dissonance: neck tight, shoulders hunched, breath held, diaphragm tight, stomach flipping about like a fish on land...  Immediately she recognized the call from her body asking her the question: "Are we safe?" and in answer she brought her full attention to what she felt.  Without judging, without suppressing, without catastrophizing she tuned in to her physical sensations.  She slowed her mind enough to really feel her body, and consciously made the choice to be with her body as it was in that  precise moment.  Despite the discomfort.  Even though it did not feel good.  In fact, she made the choice to approach her physical experience especially because it did not feel good.

She understood that all the body wants in that moment is to not be alone.  It wants our attention.  It wants to be accompanied then and there.

And when she did that she felt her muscles soften just a bit, and her breath slowed and after a short while she could feel her stomach relax.  Just from being present with the specific sensations in her body with warmth and interest and nonjudgment.

When we are triggered by life stressors, when we are up against situations we do not utlimately control, when we are faced with the inevitable truth of our human vulnerability the body needs to know that this is not a threat to life and limb.  And it asks us for assurance.  

The body does not speak in English or in any other language of words.  The body speaks in the language of sensations, and it has only two dialects: pain and arousal.  We are lucky that Mother Nature did not decide to have the first call of vulnerability to be physical sensations of pain, since we face our human limits multiple times a day - and that would really hurt!!  Instead Mother Nature chose to have the body call us via physical sensations of arousal. 

Unfortunately the arousal sensations of dissonance seem to speak of danger.  That is not true but we make that misinterpretation for a simple reason that we need to understand and remember when we are called by the body.  The reason dissonance feels like danger is because arousal in both cases comes through the sympathetic nervous system.  The sympathetic nervous system both signals vulnerability and mobilizes us when we are faced with actual danger.  

In other words dissonance and danger share the same circuitry: the sympathetic nervous system.  

And my client understood that and therefore even though her body was aroused she did not need to look outside herself for the source of danger.  She knew to look inside her body and be with what she found there.

And when she did an amazing thing happened.  She walked the 6 blocks to the office with an awareness of the sun on her back, soaking its warmth into her.  She took off her coat and stretched and swung her arms feeling the freedom of movement.  She breathed in the fresh air and felt a bouncy resilience arise in her.  She scanned through her body again and felt grounded.  She heard a calm voice from within say to her "We can do this, and this and this..." and solutions seemed to just come to her.  Her perspective and creativity and flexibility and intelligence were fully available to her.  Even her sense of humour kicked in as she reflected on what her old response would have been: "I'd have been right off the rails and headed for meltdown."   She could feel that the world was supporting her, in the warmth of the sun on her back and the freshness of the air in her lungs.

She had accessed the rich cache of resources of her full self and could receive support from outside herself, all because she was able to assure her body that, although vulnerable, it was safe.

So loving.  So kind.  So powerful.

Warm interest and nonjudgment, in the moment of discomfort.  When you don't feel good.  That is what love looks like, in the very most important relationship you can have. 

Happy Valentines Day.  From me to you, and from you to your body.

 Photo Credit: Peanut Birthday Girl